Never Too Far (Chapter 30)
I sat there as they got on their cart and drove to the next hole. I was supposed to be getting more drinks. My desire to see Rush had gotten the best of me and I'd taken a small detour until I found him. Now, I wish I hadn't. For the first time this week I was sick at my stomach again. He hadn't told me Meg was his first. He'd just said they were old friends.
Knowing what kind of old friends they were didn't help. I was well aware that Rush had a string of girls that he'd slept with. It was something I knew when I'd gone to his bed the first time. But seeing him with the one. The one that had been his first was painful.
She'd been flirting with him and he'd been flirting back. Trying to impress her with his muscles. They were impressive enough without him flexing them and showing off. Why had he done that? Did he want her to be attracted to him? Was he curious about what she was like in bed now?
My stomach rolled and I forced my cart into drive and pulled away from the trees I'd been hiding behind. I hadn't meant to hide. I'd taken a short cut to see if Rush was at this hole. But when I'd seen him smiling at Meg and then letting her touch him I'd stopped. I couldn't go any further.
She was a part of his world. She fit into his world. Instead of driving a drink cart around she was playing golf with him. He couldn't have asked me. For starters I had no idea how to play and then, of course, I worked here. I couldn't play. What was he doing with me? His sister hated me. I couldn't be a part of his life. Not really. I would always be on the outside looking in. I hated the way this felt.
Being with him was amazing. In the privacy of his house or my condo it was easy to pretend we could be something more. But what happens when I'm showing? When I'm very pregnant and he is with me? People will know. How will he handle it? Can I expect him to?
I loaded the cart back up and let my mind play over all the scenarios that could happen with us. None of them ended happily. I wasn't one of the elite. I was just me. This past week I'd let myself play with the idea of staying. Raising this baby with Rush. As much as seeing him with Meg had hurt it had been the wakeup call I needed. No one lived in a fairy tale. Especially me.
By the time I got back my group had made it to the last stretch. I smiled and served drinks and even joked with the golfers. No one was going to know I was upset. This was my job. I was going to be good at it.
I wouldn't say anything to Rush tonight. There was no point. He wasn't thinking clearly. I would just put some distance between us. I couldn't let myself believe he was my happily ever after. I was smarter than that.
I hadn't been able to make it through the day without getting sick. The heat had gotten to me but I would be damned if Woods knew about it. I didn't need him thinking I couldn't do my job. Bethy held my hair back while I threw up in the toilet in the back of the offices. I really did love her.
"You over did it," she scolded as I lifted my head up from my last heave.
I didn't want to admit it but she was probably right. I took the wet washcloth she was handing me and cleaned my face before sitting down on the floor and leaning back against the wall.
"I know. But don't tell anyone," I requested.
Bethy sat down beside me. "Why?"
"Because I need this job. The money is good. If I'm leaving once I start showing then I need all the money I can save up. It won't be easy getting a job while I'm obviously pregnant."
Bethy turned her head and looked at me. "You're still planning on leaving? What about Rush?"
I didn't want Bethy mad at him. She'd just started being nice to him again. "I saw him today. He was having fun. He fit in. He's where he belongs. I'm where I belong. I don't fit in with his world."
"He doesn't get a say in this? If you just said the word he'd have you moved into his house and he would be taking care of everything. You wouldn't be working at this club and you would be at his side everywhere. You've got to know that."
I didn't like the idea of being one more woman who mooched off him. His mother and sister did that. I didn't want to do it too. I didn't care about his money. I just cared about him. "I'm not his responsibility."
"Excuse me if I beg to differ. When he knocked you up you became his ultimate responsibility," Bethy said in a huff.
I knew the truth about the night we'd had sex without a condom. I'd come onto him. I had all but attacked him. It hadn't been his fault. All the other times he was careful. I hadn't let him be that night. It was my mistake not his.
"Trust me when I tell you that this was all on me. You weren't there the night I got pregnant. I was."
"Can't be all your fault. You can't get pregnant alone."
I wasn't going to argue with her. "Just don't tell anyone I was sick. I don't want them worrying."
"Fine. I'm not happy about it though. You do this again and I'm telling," she warned.
I laid my head over on her shoulder. "Deal," I agreed.
Bethy patted my head. "You are one crazy girl."
I just laughed because she was right.