Fallen Too Far (Chapter Twenty-Seven)
He lifted his head. His face was wet with tears. I wouldn't wipe them. They served a purpose. I stood up and unsnapping my shirt and slipped it off to lay it down on the bed. I then discarded my bra. Rush's eyes never left my body. The confusion on his face was expected. I couldn't explain this. I just needed it.
I pushed down the shorts I was wearing and stepped out of them. Then slipped off my shoes and slowly took off my panties. Once I was completely bare. I stepped over to straddle Rush's legs. His hands wrapped around me immediately and he buried his face in my stomach. The wetness from his tears was cold against my skin causing me to shiver.
"What are you doing, Blaire?" Rush asked pulling back just enough to look up at me. I couldn't answer that.
I grabbed handfuls of his shirt and pulled at it until he raised his arms and let me pull it over his head and toss it aside. Sinking down until I was sitting in his lap, I slipped my hands behind his head and kissed him. Slowly. This was the last time. Rush's hands were in my hair and he took over immediately. Each caress of his tongue was gentle and easy. He wasn't hungry and demanding. Maybe he already knew this was goodbye. It wasn't meant to be hard and fast. It was the last memory I'd have of him. Of us. The only one I'd have where a lie didn't dirty the water. The truth was there between us now.
"Are you sure?" Rush whispered against my mouth as I rocked against the hardness that I already felt beneath his jeans.
I only nodded.
Rush picked me up and laid me down on the bed before slipping off his shoes and jeans. He crawled over me as his haunted face studied me. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Inside and out," he whispered as he rained kisses on my face before pulling my bottom lip into his mouth and sucking.
I lifted my hips. I needed him inside. I would always need him inside but this would be the last time I had him there. This close. No one would ever be this close again. No one.
Rush ran his hands down my body taking time to touch every part. As if he were memorizing me. I arched into his hands and closed my eyes letting the feel of his hands brand me. "I love you so damn much," he swore as his head lowered to kiss my belly button.
I let my legs fall open so that he could move between them.
"Do I need to wear a condom?" he asked, moving back up over me.
Yes, he did. No chances.
Again, I just nodded.
He stood up to pick up his jeans and pulled a condom out of his wallet. I watched him rip it open then slide it down over his cock. I'd never kissed him there before. I'd thought about it but I'd never had the nerve. Somethings should remain unknown.
Rush ran his hands up the inside of my legs and then slowly pushed them open wider. "This will always be mine," he said with conviction.
I didn't correct him. There was no use. It would never be anyone else's. After today, I would belong only to myself.
Rush lowered his body over mine until I could feel the head of his erection pressing against me. "Never been this good. Nothing has ever been this good," he groaned then slid inside me. The stretch was welcomed. I wrapped my hands around his arms and cried out as he filled me completely.
Slowly, he moved out and then rocked back into me. His eyes never left mine. I held his gaze. I could see the storm in his eyes. I knew he was confused. I could even see the fear. Then there was the love. I saw it. The fierceness in his eyes. I believed it. I could see it clearly. But it was too late now. The love wasn't enough. Everyone always said that love was enough. It wasn't. Not when your soul was shattered.
I slipped my legs up around his waist and then wrapped my arms around his neck. Close. I needed him close. His breath was warm on my neck as he pressed kisses against the tender skin there. He whispered words of love and promises he would never have to keep. I let him. Just this last time.
The pleasure that had been building reached its peak when Rush brushed a kiss against my lips and said, "Only you."
I didn't look away from him as I clung to him and let the feeling of complete bliss rush through me. Rush's mouth opened and a loud growl vibrated his chest as he pumped into me two more times and then went still. His eyes never left mine.
We both breathed fast and hard as I said all that needed to be said without words. It was in my eyes. If he was looking closely enough.
"Don't do this, Blaire," he pleaded.
He shook his head. He was still buried deep inside me. "No. Don't you do this to us."
I didn't say anything more. I let my hands fall to my side and my legs slip down his waist until I was no longer clinging to him. I wouldn't argue with him.
"I didn't get a goodbye with my sister or my mom. Those were final goodbyes I never got. This final goodbye I needed. This one time between us with no lies."
Rush grabbed the blankets underneath me in both hands and closed his eyes tightly. "No. No. Please, don't."
I wanted to reach up and touch his face. To tell him it would be okay. He'd move on and get over this. Us. But I couldn't do that. How could I comfort him if I was empty inside?
Rush pulled out of me and I winced at the hollowness that echoed through my body. He stood up and didn't look at me. I watched in silence as he began to dress himself. This was it. Was empty supposed to hurt? When would the pain stop showing up?
Once he had his shirt back on he lifted his eyes to look at me. I sat up and pulled my knees against my chest to cover my nudity and to hold myself together. I was afraid I might literally crumble.
"I can't make you forgive me. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I can't change the past. All I can do is give you what you want. If this is what you want, I'll walk away, Blaire. It'll kill me but I'll do it."
What else could there be? I'd never be the same. The girl he'd fallen in love with was no more. He'd see that soon enough if he stayed. I didn't have a past. I didn't have a foundation. It was all gone. Nothing made sense and I knew it never would. Rush deserved more.
"Goodbye, Rush," I said one last time.
The pain that clouded his eyes was too much. I dropped my gaze from his and studied the blue plaid blanket beneath me.
I listened as he walked toward the door. His footsteps were muffled on the old faded carpet. Then the door opened and the moonlight poured into the dark room. There was a pause. I wondered if he would say more. I didn't want him to. Every word he said only made this harder.
The door closed. I lifted my eyes to see the empty motel room surrounding me. Goodbyes weren't all they were cracked up to be. I knew that now.